Meaning is a superpower
I'm exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally, the systems are drained. Except one.
Walking delirious thru a Burbank neighborhood, I try to process another day. How long could I keep this up? Should I?
If you're good at what you do, there are those who will ask of you great efforts in their fantastical endeavors. Carrot and stick motivators will be plied. Usually in the forms of financial reward and threat of exile. Desire and fear used to find out just how hard you can push yourself.
Probably works on most people pretty well. Unfortunately not so well on me. I say unfortunately because an intense presence of motivation can accomplish those fantastical things, and for some it's the only way. I've spent most of my life embracing my passion for creating and solving, building and designing. That carrot and that stick are well worn. When you find stability and don't fully embrace greed, the underlying generators of motivation change. Many (most?) find the desire for accomplishment, to leave a mark, to make the world better, to be respected in your discipline.
I'd often shrugged at these things. Sometimes by way of existential perspective, at others, by way of ambivalence. I've always cherished the moment over specters of future outcomes. Times have changed, and the self is compelled to follow.
I remember fondly the middle years, after the threat of nuclear annihilation had faded, before the impending threat of radical climate change arrived. I wouldn't have called it peaceful then, but I do think of it that way now. We're all now faced with a cliff, a seemingly impossible challenge. Change the system of the world, or else. The 'or else' part is not the stuff of the carrot and the stick.
My mind, perhaps The Mind, sorts problems it deems unsolvable differently. Unable to address them directly, problems in this area become the stuff of anxiety and worry. They can even summon the dastardly devil ambivalence.
Perhaps the delirium helped. As I walked I realized I could move this terrible specter subtly from unsolvable to serviceable. I could see us, my team, the other teams, making real progress. I could imagine that this progress could be a real part of a collective solution. Then it happens. An old friend shows up. How long has it been? Did we even part on good terms? There was no awkward space, no airing of past grievances. Just the sweet embrace that could fuel another day. That action could solve the unsolvable. Hope.
Meaning gives reason to effort, suffering, and sacrifice. The boat is sinking. We will rebuild it better.
oh sigh. how cliche